I would like to share with everyone that I received a call for my Guardian today. He received official confirmation that he will be home forever very soon!!! When I told out boys, the little one let out a war whoop that cracked the front picture window (just kidding, but he did make it rattle!). A big thank you to each and every one of you for your support. We may take some time off to just reconnect...and sleep! And then we should be back at it more regularly, and more cheerfully!
I am a mother of two beautiful children. I am a student. I cook. I clean. I garden. I smile at my neighbors. I had a whole in my chest that threatened to make me implode. My heart beat...but it echoed in my chest, a rattle that frightened me with it's roaring echo through my veins.
He came as a surprise in a little inbox flag, a response to gratitude. And he completed me, filled in the gaps, calmed the raging beat, the rattle. Now the beat is strong and steady, none of those tripping rhythms.
Trust grows....and love.....and devotion.....and I am made whole just for being accepted in my imperfection. I am made beautiful, impossible as it seems. And that which is mended is unbreakable because Daddies never leave, and they make you feel loved, and make you believe in your own beauty for the very first time.
HER GUARDIAN: The simple magic of true love resounds with deepest echo from every place in my heart. Her love and kindness filled me with life....She made me feel alive again just when I thought I would never feel that again. Her heart in perfect synch with mine...this is the greatest blessing that I have ever received.... She is my all, my everything.
When I was a child I grew up in a house dominated by mental illness. I guess it really started to emerge when I was about seven or eight. There was always lots of abuse, physical, emotional and sexual, but at that age, the door to the rest of the world closed. I went from a very active, probably hyperactive by today's standards, to a kid who never went out, and never had friends in, because 'they' might know. Because of that I safeguard our childrens' childhood ferociously.
Two weeks ago we took them to a park in town. It's a beautifully equipped park and they always enjoy it. Daddy and I were on the benches watching and reading, chatting together and with the children as they ebbed and flowed. It was a beautiful day. Behind the park, there is a HUGE hill. I smiled and mentioned to Daddy as I leaned into him that when I was a kid I might have liked to roll down that hill. He smiled and agreed.
The week went on, and the weekend approached. The boys said they wanted to go to the park again after grocery shopping. So we did. Daddy and I settled on the bench. When it was time to go, Daddy said, "I'll go gather the boys." I smiled and said okay, and went back to my book till the boys came for their bikes which had been abandoned for a game of tag. Daddy paused and said, "There are people rolling down the hill." I looked over and watched too.
Suddenly, Daddy's face lit up and he grabbed my hand, "Come roll down the hill with me!" My face blanched, "Daddy I'm scared!" (I have developed a fear of heights, and a fear of falling). He said, "I'll be right there with you. C'mon." I started to hyperventilate, "Nooooo, Daddy!" He squeezed my hand and said, "I'll go first and then I'll catch you. I won't let you fall." I trust him, I do, but the thought was terrifying.
He could have ordered me. I am his little girl. I am his slave. I would have done it because he owns me. But he didn't. He took my hand in both of his and said, "Reclaim your childhood. I need you to do this with me." My head had been swirling in panic, my breath fast and shallow. And with those words, it just stopped. I stood with not a little trepidation, and whispered, "I'm scared." He kissed my forehead and whispered, "I know. I won't let anything happen to you."
Somewhere inside those thoughts stopped swirling and suspended themselves around that simple statement, "I need you to do this with me." And I could see in his eyes that he did. And I knew in my heart and in my soul that I needed to do it with him, too. I needed to surrender that fear to him and trust.
So we climbed that hill, him supporting me and holding my hand. He sat me at the top and sat next to me, and said, "Wait here," and he rolled down the hill, laughing. He hopped up at the bottom and said, "C'mon, I've got you." I laid down and fidgeted with what to do with my arms and he said to put them over my head, and illustrated. And I did. And I rolled. And I started to panic, and my fingers gripped the grass as I rolled, and then I saw him, and I just let go, and rolled down into his waiting arms.
He grinned and pulled me to my feet. And I grinned back and said..... "Let's get the boys!" And then we were all.......
Thank you, Daddy, for helping me let go and for teaching me how to play. Little by little, every day, there is more and more freedom in belonging to you.
HER GUARDIAN: Helping her reclaim her childhood is important to me and yes, there is more than a little bit of youth left in me :).... Seeing her and the boys smile, it was truly a treasure that I will remember forever. Just letting her let go, and be loose, not care what others think, that's what it was and is all about!
Wheel-barrowed on Daddy's lap, tears filling my eyes, my breath in deep, shuddery gulps as Daddy had just set the paddle to the side and was rubbing and speaking softly in the pause. "I know it hurts, baby. I'm so proud of how well you take your spankings, even the ones that are very owie. You please me. Thank you for your gift of submission."
And the damn burst
And the tears fell
and the words I could not speak
Thank you for the gift of your dominance
Thank you for the gift of your arms
Thank you for your love
Thank you for being a safe place for the first time ever in my long life
Thank you for lifting burdens from my shoulders that I have long borne
Thank you for leading our family
Thank you for loving my children - our children
Thank you for home
Thank you for the gift of discovery
Thank you for the freedom to be who I am at my core
Thank you for the gift of acceptance
Thank you for the gift unconditionality
Thank you for the gift of being small
Thank you for the loving me - against all odds
Thank God for the gift of you.
I love you, my Daddy.
HER GUARDIAN:
So many words escape me, thank you, my heart, my soul, my best friend for the deepest, most sublime gift of your love, thank you for your soft, sweet, unconditional heart and the words that bring me back to us each and every time. You bring me so many blessings and I thank you for all of them. You are my everything!
