The other day I was sitting here thinking (perhaps over-thinking as I sometimes do.) China Doll asked me a serious question in a very casual way. In that moment there were a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas... It set me back on my heels and I knew I had some introspective work to do. We didn't really fully explore it during the day but I knew it was on both of our minds and I knew I had to say and do something.
As it happens during this time of year, day quickly turned into evening and with it came dinner and the evening routine. With the kids abed and a moments peace achieved, I acted.
With the stresses of life abounding, the impending holiday season, money worries, looking for a job, bills, and the dazzling floor show that is our children, I was feeling overwhelmed and somewhere along the way I lost sight of what really mattered in our home. We were out of balance and ultimately, it was my fault. I'm not a perfect person (in fact there are quite a few things that I wish I didn't do), I'm just a man who wants to give his heart to his family.
With the kids sleeping that deep sleep that only children can seem to achieve. I took the chance to get in some quality time with China Doll. After a long, firm spanking, paddling and belting. I cuddled with her only to notice the deep emotional distress that she was in. After she had calmed, we talked for a few hours and what she shared with me gave me much to think about. With everything that was causing me stress, I had unintentionally pulled away and it was having a adverse effect on our relationship.
I guess what they say is true, sometimes you can't see the forest from the trees. The stresses of modern life with a growing family in transition still remain, but after that conversation I feel closer to her, more connected and more present for both her and our kids. I still hurt a little inside because I fell into the same trap that I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself. I am happy to say we came out the other side better, stronger, and more connected.
China Doll's Musings:
We're human. It sucks. My motto has always been communication. It's the foundation of what we stand for, and on which we built our relationship. But when I see him overloading and struggling, it's too easy to stuff things in, so that I don't become part of the problem. And because of what life was like before him, when I ask what's on his mind because he seems far away, and I get a terse little, "I'm right here," it's easy to tuck all my bits inside and ride out whatever storm may come. Life has trained me that way. Healthy? Ummmm yeah, not so much? Sigh....
I have insomnia, so a while back Dr. Daddy prescribed belt-som every night and I sleep through. Then his shoulder started hurting, and belt-som went by the wayside. Then recently even hand-spankings did as well. Daddy had said not long ago, that Monday, my day off, after the boys went to school, was hard spanking day. Because I need at least one really hard one a week to keep me even. One day, no spanking, then the next Monday, none either.
At first, I knew where to put that, and I dealt with it, and didn't talk about it because I didn't want to add to his stress. Then that thing starts to happen, and things in the now, with the person who means more than anything and is not like anyone ever, starts to play into those little voices. Soon it wasn't about Daddy being stressed, it was about me not being pleasing, and him not wanting to spank me because I wasn't worth it.
And that's what happens when you don't communicate. Even when it's hard, no one really did anyone else any favors by keeping things tucked inside. It always festers. It always creates distance. It's always the wrong choice. Can I say that I won't stay quiet in the future? That if it happens again that I will handle it right the next time and tell him that I need him when he starts to drift? Sad to say I can't even promise that to myself....even when I know it's corrosive.
But the saving grace here is I have a man that sees it, makes that hard move and fixes what I can't. I'm pretty damn lucky.