Sunday, September 22, 2013

Daddy/little girl time



When I was a child I grew up in a house dominated by mental illness. I guess it really started to emerge when I was about seven or eight. There was always lots of abuse, physical, emotional and sexual, but at that age, the door to the rest of the world closed. I went from a very active, probably hyperactive by today's standards, to a kid who never went out, and never had friends in, because 'they' might know. Because of that I safeguard our childrens' childhood ferociously.

Two weeks ago we took them to a park in town. It's a beautifully equipped park and they always enjoy it. Daddy and I were on the benches watching and reading, chatting together and with the children as they ebbed and flowed. It was a beautiful day. Behind the park, there is a HUGE hill. I smiled and mentioned to Daddy as I leaned into him that when I was a kid I might have liked to roll down that hill. He smiled and agreed.

The week went on, and the weekend approached. The boys said they wanted to go to the park again after grocery shopping. So we did. Daddy and I settled on the bench. When it was time to go, Daddy said, "I'll go gather the boys." I smiled and said okay, and went back to my book till the boys came for their bikes which had been abandoned for a game of tag. Daddy paused and said, "There are people rolling down the hill." I looked over and watched too.

Suddenly, Daddy's face lit up and he grabbed my hand, "Come roll down the hill with me!" My face blanched, "Daddy I'm scared!" (I have developed a fear of heights, and a fear of falling). He said, "I'll be right there with you. C'mon." I started to hyperventilate, "Nooooo, Daddy!" He squeezed my hand and said, "I'll go first and then I'll catch you. I won't let you fall." I trust him, I do, but the thought was terrifying.

He could have ordered me. I am his little girl. I am his slave. I would have done it because he owns me. But he didn't. He took my hand in both of his and said, "Reclaim your childhood. I need you to do this with me." My head had been swirling in panic, my breath fast and shallow. And with those words, it just stopped. I stood with not a little trepidation, and whispered, "I'm scared." He kissed my forehead and whispered, "I know. I won't let anything happen to you."

Somewhere inside those thoughts stopped swirling and suspended themselves around that simple statement, "I need you to do this with me." And I could see in his eyes that he did. And I knew in my heart and in my soul that I needed to do it with him, too. I needed to surrender that fear to him and trust.

So we climbed that hill, him supporting me and holding my hand. He sat me at the top and sat next to me, and said, "Wait here," and he rolled down the hill, laughing. He hopped up at the bottom and said, "C'mon, I've got you." I laid down and fidgeted with what to do with my arms and he said to put them over my head, and illustrated. And I did. And I rolled. And I started to panic, and my fingers gripped the grass as I rolled, and then I saw him, and I just let go, and rolled down into his waiting arms.

He grinned and pulled me to my feet. And I grinned back and said..... "Let's get the boys!" And then we were all.......



 


Thank you, Daddy, for helping me let go and for teaching me how to play. Little by little, every day, there is more and more freedom in belonging to you. 




HER GUARDIAN:  Helping her reclaim her  childhood is important to me and yes, there is more than a little bit of youth left in me :).... Seeing her and the boys smile, it was truly a treasure that I will remember forever.  Just letting her let go, and be loose, not care what others think, that's what it was and is all about!

20 comments:

  1. I was going to list all that I loved about this post, but then I realized I'd listed every point. So I'll just sum it up by saying, I love this post. It brought a tear to my eye. I'm so glad you have risen above your childhood into such an amazing woman! And I'm so glad you have your Guardian with you, to help, encourage, lead and guide you. How fortunate you both are!

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    1. Hi Sarah, thanks! He is my knight in shining armor. I was and would still be lost without him. I am most fortunate indeed!

      <3
      cd

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  2. What a wonderful thing to do and am very proud of you!

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    1. Hi Angel :) Thanks very much. He is most wonderful :)

      <3
      cd

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  3. I simply agree with Sarah's comment.
    I had a teary smile in my eye too.

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    1. Thanks DelFonte :) I'm glad the tears were happy.

      <3
      cd

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  4. What a precious moment and a lovely post. This brought a tear to my eye too. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    I agree with Sarah as well. How wonderful that your Guardian is there to help and encourage you and that he wants to help you reclaim your lost childhood. You have overcome so much and developed into a beautiful, loving and caring woman. You have much to be proud of :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks for reading!

      There is a freedom in belonging to him that I never imagined, Roz. In being his little girl, his slave, I have a more clearly defined and confident image of myself.

      <3
      cd

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  5. Wow! What a wonderful account. I'm do happy CD that you found your match. The one who completes you, makes you whole and keeps you safe. He is a treasure...and you and the boys his gift as well.
    Hugs,
    Fiona

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    1. He does all of that, Fiona :) For our part, well, I think we come out on the better end of the bargain, because the boys and I... we're a handful, lol.

      <3
      cd

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  6. Beautiful, a wanderful testement to the strength of your devotion and trust in one another.

    x

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    1. Thanks, tori :) There is a level of connection I only dreamed of before.

      <3
      cd

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  7. I am so happy for you. Grabbing back that power with the help of an amazing man. I wish all parents would think before they act and speak. So many of us adults in pain some of us for a lifetime because of this reason. Hugs and fun

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    1. He IS amazing, Annie! I do, too. We try to be so mindful of how we talk to the boys. Words do scar too, as we well know. I think Daddy must get a wee bit frustrated trying to smooth over my anxieties, but he is ever sweet and ever gentle.

      <3
      cd

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  8. I LOVED rolling down hills as a child.... this sounds like such a fun experience.. thanks for writing a post that left me smiling!!!

    hugs
    Bekah

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    1. I used to, too, Bekah! Rolling and spinning till I fell over, and climbing and hanging upside down. It is nice to be exuberant again, I thought I had forgotten how.

      Glad we made you smile!

      <3
      cd

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  9. That sounds like something Dragon would do. He rides roller coasters with me. Something that was forbidden when I was a child. I am so happy you let go and had some fun.

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    1. It's so hard to let go, Rose, isn't it? But when you see them right there, it's easier to take that leap.

      I don't want our boys to ever lose that freedom and exuberance... we work hard to make sure they don't. Daddy is slowly helping me find mine. I'm glad Dragon helps you find yours!

      <3
      cd

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  10. Now, where have you ran off to? Hopefully come January we'll get an update?
    Hug <3 and happy new year,
    mouse

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    1. Sorry, friend mouse :) It's been a struggle with Daddy gone for the week and only home on weekends. I know you understand, as your Daddy travels. I feel lost most of the time, and like I'm drowning. I think it's hard for any married couple, but for couples like us there is a greater level of dependence. Not that I can't function without him, I can. I do. I just don't want to.

      I'm trying to get the gumption to get a post together - I have several in the works, and a couple from an experience we had recently. I just have to be able to focus enough to get them down and refined.

      <3
      cd

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